How Long Does Grieving Take?

Apr 14, 2016
Russell Friedman
9 comments

One of the difficulties with hearing "time heals all wounds" — it doesn't; please read our blog post on this topic — is that sometimes people will then expect that, not only will "all wounds" be healed, but that it can be done in a set amount of time.

So how long does grieving take?

Grief recovery itself is an ongoing process that takes work and effort, with numerous steps along the way. And its duration is as unique as every individual, because the ways people deal with their losses are unique to them and their personal situations.

Perhaps one of the greatest erroneous presumptions is that the process of dealing with grief will be orderly, and it will follow a step-by-step process, or that each step will take a specific amount of time.

Just because there's a method for grief recovery doesn't mean it will follow a certain order or be accomplished in a certain amount of time.

Loss is loss, and whether it's loss of trust, loss of approval, loss of a relationship, loss of safety, or loss of a loved one, every single one of these brings its issues to a major grief crisis. And even when we think something is "better," this isn’t true: we can be triggered to re-experience those memories, and bring about a grieving moment again.

That is why grief can remain painfully tangible for decades. If there has been no work done on that loss over a person's life, even while other losses have also occurred, there's a high possibility of being emotionally paralyzed after a new loss. It's not just the latest crisis, but the compounding effect of not facing the other losses, that can cause problems.

A great disservice has been done to the grief recovery process by the propagation of a misinterpreted series of steps created by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Her "five stages" — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — were originally developed to explain stages of dying, not grief. To imply that grieving follows certain stages and therefore should be completed in an orderly fashion over a certain period of time simply isn't true.

Grieving is an individual process that's disorderly at best. The whole point of grief recovery is to take steps toward recovery, rather than focusing on how much time it will take.

If you found this article useful, you may also want to read Russell's article "Time Does Not Heal. Actions Do."

Comments

Karen Lloyd

Fri, 04/22/2016 - 6:11am

Thank you so much for this article! I've been grieving for 12 years that I know of... Until the death of my mother fiancée and daughter, I have learned that there are other kinds of loss that causes grief. I want information on the subject because I'm still dealing with it daily. Can you help me

Anonymous

Fri, 04/22/2016 - 7:05am

Hi Karen, thank you so much for your post and question. We are always here to help. Feel free to call us at 800-334-7606 or e-mail us at [email protected]

Colleen Freck

Tue, 08/30/2016 - 10:49am

This is for my sister who is grieving the loss of her daughter this past 90 days. I need some direction. She does not have money for this program nor I. Do you have scholarship or someone to sponsor us? Thank u

Brittany Johns, M.S., Director of Specialist Relations and Events

Tue, 08/30/2016 - 10:54am

Hi Colleen, my advice would be to find a Specialist in your area and see what they charge. Many of them offer low cost or free groups or one on one support. You can search for someone in your area, here: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grief-support-groups

KAREN SIDES

Mon, 01/15/2018 - 9:14pm

I took your certification program in Denver Colorado back in 2001 0r 2002 - cant remember exact year but it was one of the very best things I have ever done for myself next to studying Yoga and getting my teaching certificate for that -- I am also a Lic Massage Therapist -- People come for pain relief and what I find out and also the client is that many times their physical pain has manifested from their emotional pain -- We heal from the inside out and the grief recovery program has given me the tools to help myself and others -- I would love to be able to sit through the program again just for a refresher course -- Thank you so much for your work - Sincerely grateful !! Karen Sides

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Tue, 01/16/2018 - 9:12am

Karen - Thank you so much for your heart felt comments. You really hit the nail on the head when you talked about your massage clients physical pain often being related to unresolved grief. When you keep things stuffed inside, your body tends to tell you it isn't happy in more ways than most people ever realize. I hope you decide to come back for a refresher training. I found it helped me immensely! Take care - Steve

RHonda Gullette

Sun, 01/21/2018 - 6:50pm

I’m dealing with grief. It makes me so sick on how insensitive people can be. They act like you are supposed to be over a loss in a few weeks or a few months. If the person meant anything it’s going to take away to get over that loss. I hate to say I’m grieving. It should be obvious.

RHonda Gullette

Sun, 01/21/2018 - 6:58pm

I loss someone I love in September and I’ve been struggling. My energy level seems low. The things I use to do I don’t. I use to love to go to movies but I haven’t been to a movie since he passed. I just have no energy to do anything. People are always volunteering me for this or that. Or coming to me for support and frankly I can’t support anyone right now. Just sticking to my schedule is all I can handle. I’m just so sick of people acting like I loss no one. It’s so rude and insensitive to think all is well in a matter of months. I’ve suffered so many losses this time I was hoping god would have turned this situation around. I go back in forth. Some days I’m really down and others day I’m doing what I have to do. My energy level is still low.

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Mon, 01/22/2018 - 11:29am

Rhonda - I have a sense of what you are talking about. The week after my mother died, I had to attend a dedication in our state capitol and one of my in-laws couldn't understand why I was not my usual "chipper" self. I reminded him that my mother had just died and he could not understand why I wasn't "over it" yet! I hate that term! You never "get over" a loss, but you can learn to survive and thrive in spite of it. I was just so glad that I had what I learned in the Grief Recovery Method to help me on that journey. I think most people never have a clue to the level of pain grievers experience, until they are faced with an overwhelming loss of their own. It is then that they, too, discover how insensitive others can be!

It is not surprising that you are struggling and have no energy. The emotional pain of grief can really drain your energy level. It is hard, if not impossible to support others when you really need support yourself!

Please check to see if there is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist in your area using the Grief Recovery Method. You can check this out at www.greifrecoverymethod.com. If ther is not one near you, please get a copy of "The Grief Recovery Handbook," which is available at most bookstores or at that website. Of all of the books on grief and loss, I have found this one to be the best. It is not just the story of someone else's pain and how they muddled through it, but rather a road-map to taking action. It is not about you forgetting your loved one, but rather a tool to help you to be able to enjoy your fond memories without the tears that come with not being able to make more memories! The authors walk with you on this journey to deal with the pain in your heart, whereas most of the people you might talk to try to help you by talking to your head with logical reasons why you should not feel bad. You have a broken heart, not a broken head! Logic never heals a broken heart!

My thoughts are truly with you!

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